Encore une fois, Je suis cassé

Found my old Nokia and managed to catch Thayne while he was still awake. So I got the birthday wish. Bit of catching up and promise of communication before Christmas. *snicker* Totally forget how he and Leonard Nimoy share the same birthday. Naturally I make a Star Trek association. Gene Roddenberry and I had the same birthday. ;)

It was late so I minimized the guilt conveniently. This is the first time I've talked to him since I've moved to Minnesota. LJ and eMail doesn't count.

I'm a pussy—that's all it is. There's still a lot of pain associated with that valley and the whole damn state. Especially in March. I know I'm a lot better but there are random moments and old songs that take me right back. Eight years since he died now. And I'm still shut down, unavailable, in so many ways.

I suppose it's no longer pain. More of a numbness. It's all boiled down to some really happy memories, some poignant regret, and vague musings. All the “What if…” bullshit. And the inevitable comparisons that are more than unrealistic. Unfair.

Sure I believe in life after love. Don't see how I have a choice. Bleh. Need to stop thinking and get some sleep.

Pretend Uncle

On the way in this morning I heard Keb' Mo's Prosperity Blues on the radio, making me think of Nikki and Tony. At the office Nikki caught me in the hall. Talked for a minute and she mentioned that they might need me to watch the girls in two weeks when Keb' Mo' is here. Said that would be fine—I have no life.

Got to my desk and found the Charley art Nikki had left. Apparently Charley really liked it because it involved water color, stamps, and writing. So adorable. Made me think of a moment I had Saturday.

Was in Target going through automotive when I saw this very attractive father watching over his daughter in a stroller while listening to his four-year-old son prattle on about something. As I passed he looked down and asked, “Was there anything else you wanted to see?” He had that perfectly earnest facial expression that little boys do so well when he responded, “Oh yes.” then guided Dad back to the toy area.

I was a whirling maelstrom of emotion at that point. Totally turned on by the Dad. Thought the kids were adorable. Then Michael things from the past assault. What a mess! So glad that I live alone. I didn't talk to anyone the rest of the weekend except for Rob when I was stuck on some coding Sunday night.

So unimpressed with my life.