Just in Time for the Fourth of July

In the direct path of this Presidency…

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Presidency

Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way

Monday, January 28, 2008

Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way

Congress agreed on an economic stimulus package that would give individual taxpayers a rebate of up to $600. What do you think?

Tom Nagle, Systems Analyst "Perfect. That should cover my moving costs to Toronto."

Julia Wilding, Parole Officer "I wish that once in a while, Congress would give me a tax rebate not to boost their economy, but because they love me."

Neville Head, Dog Trainer "I hope buying $600 worth of waffles helps the economy, because that's what I'm going to do."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Obama And Clinton Call Truce

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Obama And Clinton Call Truce

After tense days of racial and personal accusations flying back and forth between the top Democratic candidates, Barack Obama has called for a truce with the Hillary Clinton campaign. What do you think?

Keith Bonney, Blackjack Dealer "Yesssss!!! Hillary wins!"

Alex Hacke, Accountant "Leave it to the Democrats to introduce racially suggestive character accusations so subtle that people actually get bored by them."

Marcia Campton, Canvas Stretcher "There's no need to bicker. As a black man and a white woman, they are completely and equally flawed in my eyes."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

Senator John McCain surprised observers by winning the Republican vote in the New Hampshire primary. What do you think?

Rebecca Carlson, Systems Analyst "If I've ever trusted a state to set the stage for the presidential election, it's the one that leads the country in per capita sales of alcohol."

Paul Messner, Chiropractor "You know, I'm happy for him. If a guy spends five years getting tortured by the Viet Cong, the least we can do is toss a primary or two his way."

Thad Cowley, Canvas Stretcher "While I agree with much of his policies, I can't, with clear conscience, condone his age."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Anti-Cancer Machine Invented?

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Anti-Cancer Machine Invented?

Research reports on the American Cancer Society's website suggest that a new machine, invented by a Florida man with no medical training, may be able to destroy cancer cells. What do you think?

Kerry Huth, Systems Analyst "The inventor has no medical training? I think I'll stick with my cancer, thanks."

Alma Stein, Montessori Teacher "Using gold nanoparticles to attack the cells is either ingenious or very stupid, depending on what my HMO says."

Kevin Blum, Collectibles Dealer "Yeah, well the machine I invented in my basement destroys a lot more than just cancer cells."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Germany To Ban Scientology

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Germany To Ban Scientology

Germany’s interior minister called the Church of Scientology "an unconstitutional organization" and said the nation is seeking to ban the group. What do you think?

Alicia Klaffky, Wedding Cake Designer "I hope the Germans can gird themselves to live in a world without Kirstie Alley."

Marcus Washington, Mortician "He sounds angry. Perhaps he'd like to meet with some nice friends of mine and explain his feelings while being hooked up to a fake machine."

Ted Berg, Systems Analyst "This is, without question, the worst instance of religious persecution Germany has ever authorized."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003

A new assessment by American intelligence agencies stated that Iran halted their nuclear weapons program four years ago. What do you think?

Jeff Hestetune, Septic Tank Installer "This is worse than I thought! They're only four years away from being 16 years away from an atomic bomb!"

Alex Burnstead, Arborist "This marks significant progress. Instead of finding out later, we know right now how wrong we'll be to invade a Middle Eastern nation."

Brianna Kupperman, Process Server "Hold on. Then who exactly can I count on to blow up the world in a not-yet-determined amount of time?"

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Bishops Urge Iraq Withdrawal

Friday, November 16, 2007

Bishops Urge Iraq Withdrawal

U.S. Catholic bishops described the situation in Iraq as "unacceptable" and urged the withdrawal of troops as quickly as possible. What do you think?

Jose Marinos, Scheduler "I'm impressed. Once they got over the earth moving around the sun, they caught up to current news really quick."

Anthony Cheswick, Associate Professor "As bishops, their outlook is always diagonal. They should understand that Bush, as a leader, can only move a little at a time."

Gloria Johnson, Personal Trainer "Now there's a Catholic withdrawal method we can all get behind."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Bush Gets First Veto Override

Monday, November 12, 2007

Bush Gets First Veto Override

For the first time in Bush's seven-year presidency, the Senate overrode a veto, for a water resources bill that would preserve wetlands. What do you think?

Carl Moleman, Systems Analyst "Well, it's not quite bringing the troops home, but I guess it's at least a fairly pointless expression of the people's will."

Cynthia Withers, Optician "I wouldn't get too cocky, I bet the president can still find a way to screw up those wetlands."

Frank Mahoney, Window Installer "While this might classify as a check, I don't think it quite balances anything."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani

Friday, November 9, 2007

Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani

Televangelist Pat Robertson has endorsed former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani as Republican presidential candidate despite Giuliani's pro-abortion rights stance. What do you think?

Ashley Brennan, Systems Analyst "This makes perfect sense in light of his pro-Pat Robertson stance."

David Oppenheimer, Pewter Caster "I don't know whose credibility this ruins more."

Mike Hilleman, Fish Cleaner "Between an abrupt return to seasonal temperatures, the very real threat of no new episodes of Lost, and now this presidential endorsement, I am not exactly sure what the hell is going on."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac

A rare new Trojan horse that targets Mac users and takes over their computers has been found on pornographic websites. What do you think?

Bettie Farnsworth, Stocker "Before I answer I'd first like to know what the current societal views are regarding online pornography."

Rick Donnelly, Ground Crew "Though I know this Mac virus is undesirable, its rarity gives me an unquenchable thirst to possess it."

Dan Benincasa, Systems Analyst "Wait a minute. You can access porn on something that isn't a wall calendar? When did that happen?"

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Britney Loses Custody Of Children

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Britney Loses Custody Of Children

A judge ruled Monday that Britney Spears must surrender custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline because of her alleged substance abuse. What do you think?

Tessa Stokler, Taxidermist "Isn't there another relative or perhaps a perfect stranger the kids could live with?"

Sam Adkins, Systems Analyst "God, I hope there's some high-stakes poker game Federline could lose."

Chuck Strange, Clothing Inspector "At least now she'll have time to do more drugs and have more kids."

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Senator Craig Arrested

Friday, August 31, 2007

Senator Craig Arrested

Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested for lewd conduct at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport for allegedly attempting to cruise an undercover cop in a public restroom. What do you think?

Liza Boors, Systems Analyst "I don't have any problem with his behavior, as long as he wasn't trying to marry the guy."

Tom Hawkins, Bus Driver "Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What was a senator from Idaho doing in Minnesota?"

Joe Palazzo, Meter Reader "This situation begs a much bigger question: Why is our police force so tempting?"

The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I Can Feel the Love

Suddenly, it all makes sense…

General, the military has been easing restrictions on enlistment in almost every area. On criminals, older veterans, even those with serious medical conditions. Why not gays? Gay people are different, Brandon. Under no circumstances can we put America's homosexuals in danger.
But homosexuals themselves are demanding the right to serve their country in a time of war. Gays of America are the only group left untouched by war. They're special. Pure and rare like a gleaming diamond or a snow white colt. We must protect them.
Has this always been the goal? It has been the solemn oath of every man in uniform to lay down his life in defense of America's precious, precious homosexuals.
How many soldier's lives is the life of one gay man worth? Seven.

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

"Click Click" Will Make Your Life So Much Better

In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

A very poignant and insightful discussion…

• I think it can be a fun for the whole family. Get everybody involved. Show them a slide of an overweight man searching for his penis in the folds of skin that surround it.
• I don't know that the shaming thing really works that well. I've been constantly berating my handicapped son for years to no avail. He still can't walk.
• Running into a room, slamming a door, and crying your eyes out burns a lot of calories. I think the media really needs to step up to the plate in getting across how wonderful it is to be thin for children. They always show the corpulent person as the sassy, wise-cracking, funny sidekick.
• We need to stop glamorizing the fat and making fat people seem ultra-confident like that damn Camryn Manheim. That is a lie. That is a lie.
• We shouldn't even have characters on TV that are fat that have dates.
• You introduce a fat character, have that fat character die of heart disease before the season is over.
• We see public service commercials for orphans over seas that are always thin. They have no food. The message of those commercials is often that, "These kids are starving, let's help them." Why shouldn't it be, "These kids are starving, they're having fun."