Got back from my volunteering so I'm in the usual funk. At least I haven't cried yet but I'll prolly get weepy after going over it all. Got slotted for what I now think is the most difficult position: doorman. Basically I keep a cheerful face as I greet each person in a line that run out to the street and along the sidewalk. I hand them a ticket that helps us keep a head count and socialize when the line gets backed up.
Most of the people were pleasant but I felt so affluently white. Fresh from the gym, I must have looked to them like some sort of part-time bleeding heart putting in my few hours a month for the dregs of humanity. Definitely feeling the guilt I suppose. I did fairly well partnered with the sweetest little woman Karen. There were one or two times I was a little worried about her so I had to puff up.
One man was a bit too drunk. Once he'd left, one of the managers came up to let me know he wasn't to be let back in and there was one guest who wasn't going to leave until he was gone. Kept an eye on him as he crossed the street. The blind man he had been harassing came up with nice hippie girl to escort them. I warned them where the drunk was. After ten minutes the drunk returned and, sure enough, when we opened the doors to let a few patrons leave, he made as if to come in.
I placed myself in the middle of the doors. After pushing Karen to the side, I placed my first in the center of his chest to stop his advance then told him we were closed for the evening. He looked at me directly and asked, “You're going to refuse me?” with a slight slur. I cocked my head with a less menacing smile to return his look while letting the question hang there for a moment. Then we both laughed as we took a step back and I told him to “Go ahead and sit back down out there.”
Was a very tense moment that Karen and I were quick to laugh off after closing the doors. I mentioned something about my two years of Karate in junior high. His shirt wasn't that concealing so I was pretty sure he didn't have any weapons within easy reach. I was fully ready for him to take a swing. It would have been interesting since I'm sure my reactions would have been a lot faster, but his arms and chest were as big as mine.
Anyway. It was an experience. I actually felt doubly bad because I wasn't “doing” anything. Karen and I had to stay up there even as people were cleaning up. While it was nice to have the appreciative comments on the way out, it was difficult to keep from sounding robotic when returning the “Have a good evening.”s.
Headed out a little before 7pm. I pulled out my $300 fuchsia RAZR to see if I had any new messages. Then I got into my $30k coupe to head home while my $500 iPod Touch pounded a Christopher Lawrence CD from my speakers. Got up to my $900/month apartment where I'd left the air conditioning on all day so it would be nice to come home to. Such extravagance that becomes blindingly apparent after watching 212 people come in off the street for dinner.
Some of these people are doing relatively well as I listened to them swap stories. Some are not. A host of smells passed by me, from the basic unwashed human flesh to hard alcohol sweat to mouthwash. There were many stressed veins and dark patches at the crook of the elbow. When I hear Compassionate Conservative line, which boils down to “Get a job.”, I have to shake my head. How can these people do that when they struggle for the basics on a daily basis?
I will be doing more volunteering with the partnered churches, but I'm going to have to find ways to do more.
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Two Hours
Pretty sure John tricked me into volunteering at his church. Yet every time someone asked me what I was doing Sunday, felt good to say, “Feeding the homeless.” The reality of it didn't hit me even when I was putting the apron on. When the people started shuffling in, it was there. Thankfully there was always something to do.
The hardest part was the kids. One little girl with permed hair in pink pajamas. Two sisters both less than five… I can still see one biting into an apple. I kept up though. Joked with a guy who wanted me to adopt him. Assigned to waiting tables I got called “Lemonade Boy” because I always kept a pitcher with me.
Walking out of there two hours later I almost broke down. John suggested we grab a drink so we headed to the 19. So much to process it was nice of him to distact me. Talked about some stuff we can do during the summer and finalized plans for Thursday night. He gave me an extended kiss good-bye and I thanked him again for sharing this part of his life with me.
Was talking with Michael earlier about my fears of someday being homeless. He laughed at me but I was very serious. Seeing some of those people's faces, their eyes as they thanked me… it came back to me as I went up the elevator. I really did nothing tonight in the grand scheme of things, yet it's more than I've ever done. Pretty sad. Something else I need to work on.
The hardest part was the kids. One little girl with permed hair in pink pajamas. Two sisters both less than five… I can still see one biting into an apple. I kept up though. Joked with a guy who wanted me to adopt him. Assigned to waiting tables I got called “Lemonade Boy” because I always kept a pitcher with me.
Walking out of there two hours later I almost broke down. John suggested we grab a drink so we headed to the 19. So much to process it was nice of him to distact me. Talked about some stuff we can do during the summer and finalized plans for Thursday night. He gave me an extended kiss good-bye and I thanked him again for sharing this part of his life with me.
Was talking with Michael earlier about my fears of someday being homeless. He laughed at me but I was very serious. Seeing some of those people's faces, their eyes as they thanked me… it came back to me as I went up the elevator. I really did nothing tonight in the grand scheme of things, yet it's more than I've ever done. Pretty sad. Something else I need to work on.
Monday, December 10, 2007
It's Back
I had forgotten this, but when I'm over-happy or in love, I sing. Often there's a song in my head but this is out loud. And usually without realizing it until I get looks. Currently I'm randomly belting out Seal's Amazing and James Blunt's You're Beautiful. Wonder why? *snicker*
Friday, November 9, 2007
Resolved
Was chit-chatting with my cube neighbor after she stared giggling over something her husband had eMailed her. She does a lot of BA work and she's a grammar Nazi like me, so we get along well. The humor that triggered our conversation was something about a metaphor, so I commented, “The man that can handle you on a daily basis must be strong-willed.” As she described him I got all maudlin. Asked how long they'd been married—thrity-seven years. This definitely evoked a whimsical sigh as I thought about never be able to make a similar claim.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Signs of Age
Hard to believe that Robert Jordan died yesterday. I remember picking up The Eye of the World when I first moved to Salt Lake. It felt almost self-contained but then I found out there were another five fat novels waiting for me. I was planning to reread them all when the twelfth, A Memory of Light?, was published. Guess I'll do the eleven and see what happens.
Does make me feel older… along with other things. As of the 5th of this month I've been at my job twelve years. More and more of the songs from my youth are being covered or their melodies are stolen by hip-hop artists. The “hot” porn stars and waiters look so damn young. Guys younger than me have been in relationships longer than I've been single. It takes more than one hand to count the important people in my life that have died.
Now there's so much in my brain that its randomness can be startling. Like getting into work I found myself singing INXS's Disappear out of the blue. Or the way seeing or hearing things in everyday life take me back to places more than two decades away. Nothing to do but *sigh*.
Never heard of Pat Monahan until this morning, but I've really enjoyed listening to Last of Seven which went on sale today. Despite the age thing, it's nice that there are still surprises.
Does make me feel older… along with other things. As of the 5th of this month I've been at my job twelve years. More and more of the songs from my youth are being covered or their melodies are stolen by hip-hop artists. The “hot” porn stars and waiters look so damn young. Guys younger than me have been in relationships longer than I've been single. It takes more than one hand to count the important people in my life that have died.
Now there's so much in my brain that its randomness can be startling. Like getting into work I found myself singing INXS's Disappear out of the blue. Or the way seeing or hearing things in everyday life take me back to places more than two decades away. Nothing to do but *sigh*.
Never heard of Pat Monahan until this morning, but I've really enjoyed listening to Last of Seven which went on sale today. Despite the age thing, it's nice that there are still surprises.
- I am barely stable
I am afraid to be alone
I am sorry that I always enable
And every day I try to find another way to you
I can't admit to my addictions
And wish that I could be a better friend
I am three kinds of crazy
And every day I try to find another way to you
Pat Monahan, Someday
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
One of Three
Just read an article on BBC News that said Iraqi PM Nouri Maliki “called recent US criticism of his work "discourteous".” Then, “The White House was swift to respond, saying in a statement that Mr Bush still believes that Mr Maliki is the right person to lead Iraq.” I was immediately offended; what gives us the right to make such a statement? And what kind of government would tolerate it?
Sometimes I wonder how well our democracy really works, mainly in the executive branch. I agree it is important to have one central figure that can react quickly when the situation calls for it. Yet the election of that person is all about careful slander, mostly covert graft, and the bandying of patriotic words. After that, we have some asshole in there that's going to do what the hell they want, dance like mad for public opinion and a second term… making good on as many private promises are necessary while dodging the public commitments that got them there.
A majority of our country put Bush back in office. Now he and his appointed cabinet are making these statements and decisions on that majority's behalf. I certainly don't agree with Bush's stance in Iraq; I never wanted a Vietnam for my generation. Yet I have to wonder if the majority does. Maybe they were cattle. Lemmings led by the political maneuvering. Does it make them less culpable? Does it make me less culpable for what my country is doing?
The worth of our democracy will be shown in how we handle this debacle.
Sometimes I wonder how well our democracy really works, mainly in the executive branch. I agree it is important to have one central figure that can react quickly when the situation calls for it. Yet the election of that person is all about careful slander, mostly covert graft, and the bandying of patriotic words. After that, we have some asshole in there that's going to do what the hell they want, dance like mad for public opinion and a second term… making good on as many private promises are necessary while dodging the public commitments that got them there.
A majority of our country put Bush back in office. Now he and his appointed cabinet are making these statements and decisions on that majority's behalf. I certainly don't agree with Bush's stance in Iraq; I never wanted a Vietnam for my generation. Yet I have to wonder if the majority does. Maybe they were cattle. Lemmings led by the political maneuvering. Does it make them less culpable? Does it make me less culpable for what my country is doing?
The worth of our democracy will be shown in how we handle this debacle.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Happy 4th
Since the new thirty-six story condos no longer afforded me a view of the river I had to walk downstairs to see the fireworks over the 3rd Avenue Bridge. In some perverse sense of nostalgia I wore the Old Navy Fourth of July shirt a gave gave me five years ago while we were dating; normally it's relegated to the gym but I was feeling all reflective.
Stood against the street light with no one to hold my hand, no one to lean against me, nor anyone to make all those cooing “Ooooh!” and “Ahhhh!” sounds with. That was okay because there were plenty of people around me doing it. A small boy climbed on to the street light and apologized when his grasping hands hit my head. I smiled at his mother. When a police car lit up to head out somewhere a few feet behind us, the boy said, “I bet they don't like the fireworks much.” I laughed to myself as I heard his father agree.
Took a few weak-ass pictures with my cell phone. It was pretty nice having a perfect view after walking less than two blocks. I wasn't worried about getting home or making sure I found anyone, so my thoughts drifted to the reason why I was standing there. The optical effects weren't awesome enough to keep me rapt… I was actually thinking about patriotism and being American. The things I never think about. It's good being here. Where I am. Should not be taking it for granted.
But I do.
Stood against the street light with no one to hold my hand, no one to lean against me, nor anyone to make all those cooing “Ooooh!” and “Ahhhh!” sounds with. That was okay because there were plenty of people around me doing it. A small boy climbed on to the street light and apologized when his grasping hands hit my head. I smiled at his mother. When a police car lit up to head out somewhere a few feet behind us, the boy said, “I bet they don't like the fireworks much.” I laughed to myself as I heard his father agree.
Took a few weak-ass pictures with my cell phone. It was pretty nice having a perfect view after walking less than two blocks. I wasn't worried about getting home or making sure I found anyone, so my thoughts drifted to the reason why I was standing there. The optical effects weren't awesome enough to keep me rapt… I was actually thinking about patriotism and being American. The things I never think about. It's good being here. Where I am. Should not be taking it for granted.
But I do.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Cognoscente
I've heard it said that being overly-impressed with well-turned phrases is a sign of an unsophisticated mind. Well that's me! There are countless dance songs that I love. And my silly brain assigns more than booty-shaking worth to them. Like my current addiction, September's Cry for You:
You'll never see me againLove that chorus. I so want to be like that when I break up with someone—confident, empowered, and final. I have the finality down only because I hate regrets and being reminded of mistakes. The refrain is also glorious:
So now who's gonna cry for you?
You'll never see me again
No matter what you do
Forever and everSimple rhyme scheme with the evolution from the base on lines three and six—love that! Don Henley is still the master but the form still impresses me. And the content… encouragment not to get stuck waiting, to act now. Something I need constant reminding of. As I'm dancing around. *snicker*
Life is now or never
Forever never comes around
People love and let go
Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever's gonna slow you down
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Not All Tears Are Evil
Went out to the Saloon last night. It'd been at least six weeks so it took a lot of momentum: hair cut, shopping, boredom, et cetera. My weeks of inactivity have fattened me up nicely. I could still fit in flattering jeans so I just had to go with a black shirt to obscure my gut and love handles. In spite of low esteem I still chanted “will not go home with anyone tonight” while walking to make sure it was echoing in my brain, preventing the alcohol from dampening my resolve.1
Texted a few people with Easter wishes and on a whim threw in two of my cousins in Idaho. They responded back and even their sister sent me one.2 Got me thinking. I'm mostly waiting to die out here. Why shouldn't I be there? I'll never have kids of my own so why not enjoy their years before they're gone. I've actually thought about this before but it was a really strong impulse that I still feel sober. Something for later.
Did okay on my restraint. The only temptation came in the form beautiful eyes attached to a youthful, solidly inebriated guy named Danny. Getting up with him for a drink conveniently got me away from a freak—invariably get one a night. After paying for the drinks he got distracted by some chick he knew so I took the opportunity to slip away. Much easier that way.
Did four drinks instead of the wiser three so I had a choice headache when the fucking sun forced me awake a little after 10am. Nibbled something to compliment the aspirin while watching Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.3 Really didn't feel up to the well-childrened Easter plans so called Nikki to leave voicemail. Did some laundry. Nikki did call me back to make sure it was hang over and not despression that kept me away. So sweet of her… I felt bad lying.
While the dryer cycle was up I walked the 3rd Avenue bridge. The sun was out so I wore a tank top, shorts, and sandals. I suppose it was cold since people with coats and hats looked at me oddly, but might as well put the fat to work. Went by Dunn Bros. for a hot chai to read the Onion while I waited for the two loads to be done.
Tried calling the Grandparents and the eldest cousin to extend Easter wishes but got voicemailed. Annoyingly/surprisingly, Danny called. Sorta told Joe I would go to Show Tunes but I figured I could ditch him. Harder to deny Danny's eyes so I've got clothes picked out. Going to hop in the shower and rehearse my lines. Want to be back sober and before 9pm so I can get some gaming in. Sure I'm a loser… with defenses/excuses in place it's that much easier to wallow.
Texted a few people with Easter wishes and on a whim threw in two of my cousins in Idaho. They responded back and even their sister sent me one.2 Got me thinking. I'm mostly waiting to die out here. Why shouldn't I be there? I'll never have kids of my own so why not enjoy their years before they're gone. I've actually thought about this before but it was a really strong impulse that I still feel sober. Something for later.
Did okay on my restraint. The only temptation came in the form beautiful eyes attached to a youthful, solidly inebriated guy named Danny. Getting up with him for a drink conveniently got me away from a freak—invariably get one a night. After paying for the drinks he got distracted by some chick he knew so I took the opportunity to slip away. Much easier that way.
Did four drinks instead of the wiser three so I had a choice headache when the fucking sun forced me awake a little after 10am. Nibbled something to compliment the aspirin while watching Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.3 Really didn't feel up to the well-childrened Easter plans so called Nikki to leave voicemail. Did some laundry. Nikki did call me back to make sure it was hang over and not despression that kept me away. So sweet of her… I felt bad lying.
While the dryer cycle was up I walked the 3rd Avenue bridge. The sun was out so I wore a tank top, shorts, and sandals. I suppose it was cold since people with coats and hats looked at me oddly, but might as well put the fat to work. Went by Dunn Bros. for a hot chai to read the Onion while I waited for the two loads to be done.
Tried calling the Grandparents and the eldest cousin to extend Easter wishes but got voicemailed. Annoyingly/surprisingly, Danny called. Sorta told Joe I would go to Show Tunes but I figured I could ditch him. Harder to deny Danny's eyes so I've got clothes picked out. Going to hop in the shower and rehearse my lines. Want to be back sober and before 9pm so I can get some gaming in. Sure I'm a loser… with defenses/excuses in place it's that much easier to wallow.
- Need to ease into things. Fucking someone would just put me back on the used/depressed track.
- Totally surprised me; sorta felt bad because I didnt' have her number otherwise I would have sent her one initially.
- Found the second and third for $7.50 at Target and couldn't resist; I'd forgotten how epic they are!!
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