Not All Tears Are Evil

Went out to the Saloon last night. It'd been at least six weeks so it took a lot of momentum: hair cut, shopping, boredom, et cetera. My weeks of inactivity have fattened me up nicely. I could still fit in flattering jeans so I just had to go with a black shirt to obscure my gut and love handles. In spite of low esteem I still chanted “will not go home with anyone tonight” while walking to make sure it was echoing in my brain, preventing the alcohol from dampening my resolve.¹

Texted a few people with Easter wishes and on a whim threw in two of my cousins in Idaho. They responded back and even their sister sent me one.² Got me thinking. I'm mostly waiting to die out here. Why shouldn't I be there? I'll never have kids of my own so why not enjoy their years before they're gone. I've actually thought about this before but it was a really strong impulse that I still feel sober. Something for later.

Did okay on my restraint. The only temptation came in the form beautiful eyes attached to a youthful, solidly inebriated guy named Danny. Getting up with him for a drink conveniently got me away from a freak—invariably get one a night. After paying for the drinks he got distracted by some chick he knew so I took the opportunity to slip away. Much easier that way.

Did four drinks instead of the wiser three so I had a choice headache when the fucking sun forced me awake a little after 10am. Nibbled something to compliment the aspirin while watching Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.³ Really didn't feel up to the well-childrened Easter plans so called Nikki to leave voicemail. Did some laundry. Nikki did call me back to make sure it was hang over and not despression that kept me away. So sweet of her… I felt bad lying.

While the dryer cycle was up I walked the 3rd Avenue bridge. The sun was out so I wore a tank top, shorts, and sandals. I suppose it was cold since people with coats and hats looked at me oddly, but might as well put the fat to work. Went by Dunn Bros. for a hot chai to read the Onion while I waited for the two loads to be done.

Tried calling the Grandparents and the eldest cousin to extend Easter wishes but got voicemailed. Annoyingly/surprisingly, Danny called. Sorta told Joe I would go to Show Tunes but I figured I could ditch him. Harder to deny Danny's eyes so I've got clothes picked out. Going to hop in the shower and rehearse my lines. Want to be back sober and before 9pm so I can get some gaming in. Sure I'm a loser… with defenses/excuses in place it's that much easier to wallow.

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1. Need to ease into things. Fucking someone would just put me back on the used/depressed track.
2. Totally surprised me; sorta felt bad because I didnt' have her number otherwise I would have sent her one initially.
3. Found the second and third for $7.50 at Target and couldn't resist; I'd forgotten how epic they are!!